Ambition Anxiety

I don't remember a race season that hasn't started this way. With feelings of excitement, the drudgery of hard training and early season racing evaporates as personal goals peak their hopeful rays over the horizon. Many times already this year, my hands and feet numb in the cold, my frozen face has hidden behind it daydreams of race wins miles and months away from the training that fills my days. I am a romantic. I like to think that one day I'll get it right, I'll win a "big race", I'll land a contract, and then I'll be fulfilled as a person and a cyclist. But, in reality, I know this idealization isn't reasonable.

Perhaps it's because I've been chasing for so long. Years have passed without a standout performance to hang my hat on. Granted, there have been more than a few obstacles that have prevented such an event from happening. Sickness, accidents, and uncertain futures have all plagued my efforts. Each year I expect my circumstances to improve. Each year, life continues to leave me scratching my head and wondering "where did I go wrong?".

So, when I say "this season really is going to be different" I can't help but feel a twinge of anxiety. What if I get sick again? What if I suffer an injury? What if I train too hard for too long and just fizzle out like the embers of a once fierce fire? These thoughts often plague me, but I refuse to let them consume me.

I have controlled every factor that is within my reach. It's now time to let the journey unfold. For better or for worse, I'm all in this year.


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