Epstein-Barr virus: Getting Sick and Gaining Perspective


Saturday April 22nd will mark four weeks of living with Epstein-Barr virus; a condition that has been both physically crushing and psychologically disorienting. This illness came with a litany of debilitating restrictions that tore away my goals and diminished my purpose. It left me devastated, confused, and faced with the insufferable questions of “what am I supposed to do now?”  

Immediately and completely disallowed from all athletic activity, it felt as though my identity was being laid bare. One blood test had simultaneously diagnosed me with Epstein-Barr virus and nullified thousands of miles spent training as I rode with singular purpose: come back from collegiate road nationals with Stars and Stripes. It felt as though this semester was tracing a path from one disaster to the next. Now, the goal that had given me purpose and the activity that provided me with emotional catharsis had been stripped from me. I was left feeling naked and uncertain of how to move forward.

Funnily enough, Epstein-Barr virus is less of a “move forward” proposition, and more of a “stay in bed all day” kind of feeling. So, my question of “what to do next?” was answered by my own visceral fatigue. What I needed to do was sleep, as often and for as long as possible.

Mom, because I know you’re reading this, I owe you an apology. You know how you made me promise to listen to my body and rest whenever I needed a break? Well, I did exactly what you would expect me to do instead. I pushed through long days of unproductively attempting school work when I should have been in bed. And I went for short walks around campus to prove to myself that I was not as sick as they said I was. Sorry about that. I did eventually learn to rest, but moving from the “dismiss the pain” mentality of an endurance athlete to a healthier “go to bed, you’re sick” mindset took time.  

A few weeks of focused rest have served me well. And, I am happy to report that physically I feel 100% (though admittedly a little flabbier). Additionally, I am grateful to say this has been a fruitful time of personal growth. Specifically, time away from cycling has reminded me of the shocking difference between my mental acknowledgements and emotional investments. More plainly, I have come to realize this startling fact: I am not a cyclist. Yes, I love cycling. But, it does not define me. Yes, I miss training. But, my progression and abilities as an athlete are not what give my life worth. Cycling is something I do, not who I am. I was invested in cycling as something to provide my life with meaning, so to lose it was totally demoralizing. But, being forced to take a month away from my sport has allowed me to put it back in its proper place. I ride because it’s fun.   


Mentally and Physically I am in a much better place than I was four weeks ago. Though it is a bitter disappointment to miss the most important events of my collegiate race season, I appreciate the good that has come out of this experience. Hopefully, I’ll be cleared to return to training soon. Until then, I’ll be hyper focused on those things that actually matter. I am striving to make my faith, family, and friends, the foundation of my cycling, instead of letting cycling push those truly important things to the side.

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