On Rest

There are few thoughts as disingenuous as those I gently uphold in the first morning light. Waking after my nightly battle for not enough sleep I tell myself “I’ll make time to rest soon” and “it’s ok, I’m not really tired, I just need coffee”. But, these are lies I can’t tell myself for long. Inevitably, I become fatigued. Despite my best efforts, the truth prevails – there is no amount of self-deception that can overcome a body tired from the ruthless demands of my life. This is where I find myself today. Fatigued to the point of illness, and face to face with the reality that I still struggle to manage my own wellness.

I always push too far.

This past week I did it again. My spring break was spent working full time, training, racing and generally scrambling for a moment of reprieve; a reprieve of course that I never truly prioritized. I felt more tired after break than before. But, this would not deter me. I packed into my car at precisely 5:00am Tuesday morning, and began the long drive from Michigan back to North Carolina. Even on the drive I found ways to busy myself. Not wanting to waste any time, I calculated the most efficient times to refuel my car, and also timed my stops to ensure no time was wasted refueling that could be spent driving. All told, I drove 750 miles stopping only twice for a total of just over seven minutes, a resounding accomplishment of stupidity.

Of course this was not the end of my shortsightedness.

Arriving back in North Carolina ahead of schedule I immediately seized an opportunity to race my bike. So, within ten minutes of returning to school I was packed into a car with my teammates headed off to the local training Criterium. I knew I was tired, I knew I was overextending myself, and I kept on going. We raced aggressively and successfully; our team secured first and second place finishes on the evening. But, before we had even finished racing I was feeling sick. Sore throat, nausea, and running nose being among the primary symptoms I ignored.

Thankfully, even my stupidity has its limits.

During my warmup for yesterday’s training set I wrestled hard with the idea of quitting. I felt as if not doing my workout would make me a sub-par athlete. I told myself that the difference between winners and losers was “what sacrifices they are willing to make” and that it was my turn to sacrifice comfort just one more time. I struggling to stop. I had become manically motivated to “overcome”. But, with an important race on the horizon for this weekend I was equally anxious that I might be shooting myself in the foot if I did the workout and my symptoms got worse. Eventually, reasonableness prevailed. I quieted my mind, texted my coach and informed him of my situation, and turned my back towards home.

There are always consequences.

            Today has been miserable. Sporting a low fever, a running nose, and a general lack of liveliness I’ve struggled to barely accomplished my daily tasks. The school’s Nurse practitioner gave me a long list of instructions for medication and rest, so, here I lie. I am tired, I am sick, and I am slowly learning (the hard way) that I need to be more respectful of my own limits.

I will always strive for success, but to thrive I must apply myself more wisely.

            Having spent the majority of my day in bed I have had ample time to assess how I might live more sustainably going forward. First, I simply must sleep more. There is no substitute for it. Second, I need to think more consciously about what is actually productive in accomplishing my goals. I need to release this façade of being an indestructible athlete and take more time for recovery. Third, it is absolutely necessary for me to live more fully in the moment. So long as my focus is entirely on the future I will too easily lose sight of the damages I’m inflicting on myself now. Finally, I should smile more. My life is really good. I have so many opportunities and blessings that trying to chase them all literally made me sick. That is a very fortunate position to be in.

But, that’s enough thinking for now, I’m going back to bed.