The Pedal Log

There are few thoughts as disingenuous as those I gently uphold in the first morning light. Waking after my nightly battle for not enough sleep I tell myself “I’ll make time to rest soon” and “it’s ok, I’m not really tired, I just need coffee”. But, these are lies I can’t tell myself for long. Inevitably, I become fatigued. Despite my best efforts, the truth prevails – there is no amount of self-deception that can overcome a body tired from the ruthless demands of my life. This is where I find myself today. Fa tigued to the point of illness, and face to face with the reality that I still struggle to manage my own wellness. I always push too far. This past week I did it again. My spring break was spent working full time, training, racing and generally scrambling for a moment of reprieve; a reprieve of course that I never truly prioritized. I felt more tired after break than before. But, this would not deter me. I packed into my car at precisely 5:00am Tuesday morning, and b...

This was different. I no longer had any anticipation of the future. Within myself I found no spark of life. My mind felt like a dark void working to pull my very essence away from all hope. I was overwhelmed by an inexplicable dissatisfaction that cast long shadows over everything I loved. I was consumed by horrible cold and dominating grey. Winter ran in chills through my thoughts as tears of fiery despair flowed in seemingly endless streams down the contours of my shallowing face. A face softly, unnaturally coiled in diligently hidden pain recognizable only to those who loved me. Lost without direction in the thicket of my own darkness, I fell further and further into a cycle of self-deprecating, perspective shattering, miserable contemplation that yielded only deeper discontentment. Tangled in a web of emotion and confusion, I thrashed violently against the world. Fists raised and hope abandoned, I was losing, drowning, concaving, and quickly. I lost even the desire to escape m...